two unrelated memories

Two unrelated heavy Memories

Here are two unrelated memories I sometimes find hard to carry. I am not sure why I am writing these down, but here we are.

The first heavy memory is, that I remember my grandfathers death and funeral, but not the one of my grandmother. For some reason I remember nothing. I don’t know why. And I wonder if she died a bit dissapointed. She always held so many people. Especially during those last years when my grandfather was loosing his battle with dementia.

After he died, she had a few years (?) where she was free from holding anyone. I think she must have realized that suddenly, after all that holding, she had become old. I wonder how she felt.

The second heavy memory is that after we “separated”, Maria told me about little Mia waking up in the night, screaming my name. This feels so similar to those dreams I had back then, about a little girl turning into mist. I think that was a certain heart to heart connection between me and Mia dissolving. Like a dream unfinished. Maybe Mia felt the same.

This memory makes me wonder if I have made a terrible mistake by not deciding fully for a certain path I could have walked with them.

An afterthought after drawing the image for this entry:
I didn’t expect that image to turn out so positive.

The memories do feel heavy, but the image does not. And while Mia and my grandmother have never met in life, I think they would have enjoyed each others company. And in a way, by drawing them like this, they have met now.

This makes me joyful.

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