Sometimes the waves shake my heart

I am in the library again and find myself in a strangely thoughtful mood.

I’m not exactly sure, what is happening in me yet.
I hope by writing these words I can guide myself a little.

So what is happening?

The first thing that comes to mind is, that yesterday night a wave of longing for Mia and Maria washed over me. I miss them and it makes me sad, that we are not able to find ourselves in a way that feels healthy to all of us.

In such moments I feel my trust in god, the universe, the great play (whatever you want to call it) shaken.

I doubt myself in these moments. And if I am not careful and aware, through this door of doubt, all kinds of dark shadows begin to crawl towards me.

My heart feels painful and confused. I think today I will not jump towards work, effort and “doing stuff” to distract myself. Instead I wish to look. To explore. And to do so in a kind and playful way.

Though right now, that doesn’t feel like an easy thing to do.

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