Respect, Integrity and hurting People I love

Today I hurt someone I love. And it brought up the topic of respect and integrity in me.

Respect is like being in good standing with another person. You respect that person because they follow their own inner values.

Integrity is more like being in good standing with yourself. And I think it arises from living in accordance to your own inner values.

Today is the day where I come to face the fact that, when it comes to integrity, in some areas I have none.

I met Maria again. She was in the hospital. And since she’s terribly important to me, I immideately canceled my trip to Berlin to stay with her and Mia. And like the last time, I did not find the “right” moment to tell her about Clara and me.

When should I have done that?

When she was in the hospital fearing for bad news?
When she was crying in my arms, fearing for her life?
When she was recovering and trying to move into her new flat?

Sometimes it feels like she wears her sickness like an armor.

And yet, all these things are just weak excuses, so that I don’t have to sacrifice a beautiful moment (like the one in the image) for what is right. The price for not doing so is Maria’s pain, Mia’s confusion and my total loss of integrity.

And so I sit here in the train to Berlin, leaving chaos in my wake, writing about integrity, feeling like I have none.

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